Loneliness and solitude: just one gig, ONE gig, please?

Posted on February 2, 2013

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Last week, Friday in particular, my self-esteem got hit by a sixteen-wheeler truck. It was about time, too. I wasn’t feeling depressed lately and this change in routine was starting to scare me. I was starting to think that I was going to pull off a Donnie Darko and move to a parallel universe until I die a few weeks later.

This week’s sixteen-wheeler truck is called “academics”. Usually it’s “extreme unpopularity”, “lack of attractiveness” or “nonexistent lovelife”. This week, not even my academics like me.

Let me boil down all of my academic stressors. First, not-so-helpful groupmates who don’t get me. Then again, who does? Nobody gets me. I don’t want to give up on them but I really don’t know what to do anymore.

Second, also the main reason why I’ve been a cloud of acid rain lately, ridiculous professors. I am a stubborn, rebellious girl. But I am proper. I am respectful and polite when it comes to authority figures and their rules. But some authority figures are just plain psychotic. Take this one, for instance. You pour your entire guts out for this subject, and it’s still not good enough. If I had to choose between dying and failing this subject, I’d ready the poison anytime (I’m using hyperbole here okay). Still. Not. Good. Enough. Well sh*t, I’m done. I’m not in school for people to teach me not to question the man. It’s not my fault he/she has problems.

I’d thank him/her for preparing me for torturous, heartless, Devil-Wears-Prada bosses, though. His/her self-esteem crushing methods have made me too numb to cry.

Anyway, these were the reasons why I bought a  new book last Friday! It’s called “The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter” by Carson McCullers. This book, written in the 1940’s, is basically about a bunch of misfits. Outcasts. Freaks. People who were too weird for 1940’s American society. I’m still finishing it. I could really relate to the characters possibly even more than my friends, and I don’t have a lot of those. Well actually, I could relate more with fictional characters more than anyone in real life.

 I was browsing through the Classics section of Fully Booked when I saw this book. I was originally looking for Kerouac, Murakami, Greene, Austen and/or Wilde. I was also looking for that one book I saw last year, also about weirdos. Awkward teenagers, actually. I forgot the title, but I think it’s close to “Freakzone” or “Freaktown”. I really couldn’t recall.

I also picked up “Love Letters Of Great Men” (just to torture myself, probably) and some “lost” Nabokov novel. Then the book caught my eye. There is a Klaus Mann quote on the back that says,

“Remarkably devoid of sentimentality…what an astounding insight into the ultimate inconsolability and incurability of the human soul!”

Then it hit me. I got a feeling that I was going to relate to this book. I don’t know, out of all the books I saw, it just kind of spoke to me. Then I decided that I will buy it. What can I say, people read things they could relate to.

That’s the thing with me and books, I can sense which one I could relate to. Even if it’s bound in plastic cover like this one, it takes me a few seconds to realize that it would be worth reading like a good friend. I could regret it at the first few pages, but then it just grows on me. I know that I didn’t pay for just paper and ink.

I haven’t fallen in love with the book yet, but I could really relate to it. The intelligent deaf-mute who prefers not to talk even if he sort of learned to do so. The brilliant drunk who drinks because no one understands him. The tomboyish and musically-inclined girl who may or may not have feelings for some guy in the family boarding house. The observant bar owner who has an affinity for the freaks of society. They don’t have a lot of friends either. I’d like to invite these people for coffee sometime.

This brings me to look into my own loneliness. Solitude? I’m not so sure. Sometimes it’s loneliness, sometimes it’s solitude. All I know is that I’m lonely, but I like being lonely sometimes.

Okay, I admit. This semester was pretty lonely. I could be with my newfound friends but I still feel lonely. Most of you would probably say that a healthy dose of extracurriculars would do the trick. Maybe you’re right. I have stayed out of extracurriculars this school year. I have tried joining organizations in my new campus but nothing struck my fancy. What bothers me is that it might be too late to join next school year when I’m about to graduate. Oh, the pains of graduating on time.

But now I’m starting to realize that this loneliness became a healthy dose of solitude. I needed to get away and know myself first before knowing myself based on who I hang out with. Now I realized that I am indeed a music-obsessed girl who wants a career abroad. Probably in publishing, magazine stuff or advertising. And I know just where to start.

One truly valuable thing I learned this school year is that in the end, success depends on you. It doesn’t matter if you are a member of so-and-so and if you’re a something-cum laude. Those are just plus points. In the end, nobody really cares. You make your own success strategy.

I am positive about the next sems. I am pretty sure that I will not be lonely anymore, because now I appreciate solitude. I am going to join organizations because they share my interests, not because I want perfume for my resume. Okay, maybe I want that too.

I’ve got a feeling that I will finally attend at least ONE gig with at least SOMEONE in the sems to come. I’ve got a feeling that in the sems to come, I will finally take one step towards my chosen career and the dream life out of here. Hopefully. And yes, those are clues on which orgs I intend to join. Haha.

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