You fell in love with the feeling.

Posted on October 10, 2013

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Not the person. Stop kidding yourself, you’re just lonely.

Longing. So much literature has been written about the loneliness of humans. We are all looking for someone who will make us feel less alone. Yes, that’s what we really are – alone. We were born alone, we will die alone. We were made to believe that only when we meet our “other half” can we be truly happy. Bullshit. But now that I think about it, maybe Hollywood was right. In the end, all we really want is someone who understands.

People get desperate. People get ignored for so long. And by getting ignored so much, every bit of attention given to these people is enough to get them attached. It’s fucking annoying. You just don’t know if there is that “something” when really there is nothing. It’s especially tough when you’re a girl. When, in the history of the universe, have boys been NOT clueless when it comes to noticing romantic signs? WHEN?!

It’s even extra worse for shy and/or socially awkward girls. Dating and relationships are like, in the “difficult” level for us. Usually we’ll just feel the “sparks” getting reciprocated through, I don’t know, divine intervention or something.

The plot twist is one huge fucker: the guy who’s been ignoring you? He’s madly in love with you, he just doesn’t know how to approach you. Probably because you have that permanent bitch face. I mean, what the fuck, how am I supposed to know? You give me mixed signals. You give me attention, and then afterwards we don’t communicate at all. I am led to believe that if a guy likes a girl, he will do anything to be in contact with her. ANYTHING. Dinosaurs may emerge and hold him hostage and that still wouldn’t stop him.

This is the part where you say, “so just ask him, dumbass!” You have no idea how much easier said that is than done. If you’re a guy and I like you, I don’t want to give you too much attention because of pride (sigh) and fear of being ostracized as a slut, especially in this society! And don’t even get me started with self-esteem issues and rejection.

This will all lead to nowhere. What a sad, sad life. When it comes to dating and relationships, one very sort-of reliable advice I give to myself is this: never assume. Always think that he just…simply likes you as a person. I mean, you like…leaves, right? There you go. Romance will be initially out of the question until sufficient evidence proves otherwise. How is that determined? A mind-boggling mystery even Holmes cannot solve.

It’s annoying because sometimes you can’t help it. All these years of yearning for something that will take away the loneliness will make you see what you’re yearning for in every chance encounter – that guy behind you in the check-out line, your classmate, that guy you randomly shoved, etc. Heard of missed connections? That idea feeds on this concept of longing – maybe there is, maybe there isn’t. But let’s assume that there was something there. Funny, funny humans.

And funny me. I go on not assuming at every encounter but I go on imagining something more. I guess that’s what dateless years and a wild imagination will do to you.

I’m in love with the feeling. Not the person. Too many times I’ve fooled myself into thinking that there’s something more…that finally Hollywood is catching up on my life and finally something will happen. But no. It’s the thrill, that flittery-fluttery feeling that sends people to a temporary high that’s addictive.

I want to fall out of love with this feeling. It hurts. It may be fun for a while to just assume for a while that there was a potential romance in every chance encounter. It’s thrilling, at the same time frustrating. In the end you’ll feel so fucking naive because you were imagining a Disney-like fairy tale when for him you were just some random weird girl with strange hair that he saw at the train station. Too bad, boohoo, now go home to Mommy and watch more Disney and read more Thought Catalog. Go on and ease your pain and fool yourself more with delusions made to earn money from the masses. Go on thinking about him. Go on living a lie.

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