Guidelines for the next person who falls in love with me

Posted on April 5, 2014

2


First of all, I’m so sorry for you.

Can I just ask why? That will always be the question in my head. Why. All I can see in myself are weird habits and a damaged physical appearance. I am boring, moody, and generally a loser type of weird. I do not have a wide social circle and I’m not academically excellent. I’m not popular and I always look weird. I’m terribly introverted and I have no life. I’d rather stay in bed for two days instead of going out to function as a human. Give me my books, music, and Internet and I can physically stay out of your life forever.

I will always question what you saw in me. I will never be able to wrap my head around the fact that you fell in love with me. Trust me, I have self-esteem issues. The fact that someone besides my parents actually thinks I’m special and interesting is enough reason to heighten my cynicism level to Nietzsche.

I will never get over the fact that someone actually wants to be with me. You see, I’m not the kind of girl that boys look at and think, “Damn, I’d hit that”. Boys look at me and think more along the lines of, “Damn, I’d hit that with a tomato. But hey, her friend’s cute”. I’m not the pretty girl-next-door. I’m the girl-next-door who never grew out of her I-hate-how-society-functions phase and plays her music way too loud.

I will always have this scary insecure way of thinking that you just fooled yourself into thinking that you fell in love; that you were just lonely and I just happen to be the “flavor of the week”. I’m sorry if this is going to be a problem, but I guess it all stems from this constant fear of losing you. I’m happy that someone actually appreciates me but I’m scared of getting hurt. I’m scared of being the one who loves too much. I build all these walls because I need to assure myself that your feelings for me parallel my feelings for you. If the worst happens, at least I built something that would make me survive the blow.

If you’re really, really in love with me, please keep fighting. Please know that I do notice everything; I notice every little thing. Tell me you love my weirdness, my eyes, my smile, whatever. Trust me, I will melt.

Put in so much effort to get to know me and like all the stuff I like and I’ll CRUMBLE. It makes me smile like an idiot thinking that, I don’t know, a song or a pair of socks remind you of me. Call me a narcissist but it’s true. When you remember every little thing that makes me happy, I just DIE.

So yeah, if you’re in love with me just know that it doesn’t really take much for me to reciprocate those feelings. I’m sorry if I won’t be able to make the first move because of my pride. I like you too, I hope you know that.

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