Sorry I’m not used to being wanted like that

Posted on October 12, 2014

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Every single act of endearment will elicit suspicion to the highest level. Sorry, but it won’t be easy for me to trust you.

I’ve always been the type of girl who stands by as the third party observer while her friends are either with their SO’s or being wooed. I’ve always been the one who listens intently as her friend weeps incessantly about boyfriend problems. I’ve been the one who, in an out-of-town trip, becomes the third wheel (well in my case there were two of us but she didn’t bring hers so there’s that). Relationships are strange to me. I just don’t know how to be at the receiving end of the attention. For this, I am sorry.

At first I will initially assume that you would just want to be friends. Or that you’re lonely. Or that you’re bored with all the other girls so you decided to try the weird girl for once because you don’t have any other choice. Maybe you just got out of a bad breakup and you decided to try your luck with me just to get over someone. Maybe you were dared into it. Maybe somebody paid you to do this. Maybe it’s an act of charity.

I will never, ever initially assume that you truly, sincerely want me. That just doesn’t happen with me. People can try to heighten my self esteem but I will keep thinking that your like for me, your ache to be with me is not genuine. I grew up suspicious of people who use sweet words on me because I’ve always thought that once they earned my trust and got what they want from me, I will be the one left broken and hurting in the end.

I’m sorry I’m not easy to give in to your advances. Believe me, I notice everything you do. I notice everything. That’s always been me – the quiet observer. I won’t react to your advances, but I will…in time. Subtly. Little by little. You won’t see me reacting violently (okay maybe on Twitter) but I will have intensity 9 earthquakes in me when I get that romantic rush from something that you said. If you’re someone who has a way with words, damn, I still wouldn’t outright trust you but you’re definitely on your way to my heart.

I don’t trust players. Playboys, chickboys, chick magnets, whatever you call them. Every time someone like that talks to me I assume it won’t have any romantic allusion to it whatsoever. But when I get the sense that they do want something a little bit more than friendship, well, I sass them out. I don’t trust boys who are good at playing with hearts.  I don’t trust the ones who have the charm, charisma, and natural ability to sweep a girl (or sometimes boy) off her feet – and pride themselves on that. I’m afraid that if I take their words seriously, if I let myself get carried away, I’ll be the fool. I’m just the flavor of the week, an addition to your collection. Another one of your gushers who can’t get enough of you.

This makes me close off on love. This makes me hate hook-ups and short time flirtations. I am terrible at dating and I absolutely despise clubs. I’ve built walls too high for anyone to scale. I brush off romance and I barely open up. Over the years, I’ve been successful at not letting anyone get to know me fully.

But once in a long while someone actually bothers to get to know me. Like, really get to know me. All the dark parts, all the secret parts of me that I won’t tell just anyone. Once in a while I open myself up easily to someone who cared enough to find out what it is about me. And once I have little else to hide…I feel threatened. And naked. And confused. All of this and yet strangely happy, and that’s what scares me.

I don’t usually let out my feelings but when I do, I let out a tsunami. That’s the thing with me, I feel too much. I notice everything and then think about them too much. And then not say anything because letting out a single word could reveal something that I’d die before letting out. Sometimes, it’s better to stay safe in a force field than letting people know you actually have feelings.

So if I open up to you, it would really, really suck if you just disappeared all of a sudden. I would feel cheated. Played at. Stupid for opening up too much and trusting people who would leave me in the end. So I close myself off again, it’s the smart thing to do.

It makes me think that this kind of attitude is closing me off from a real romance. I’m sorry I’m like this, a slow-to-trust jaded person who reacts violently in her head. I’m sorry I’m easy to give up on. I’m sorry I can’t confront my feelings well enough to let myself go and fall in love with the person who really tried to know me. I’m sorry if you think your efforts at making me notice you  are wasted, believe me they’re not. Sorry if I’m too difficult. Sorry if I close myself off too much. Sorry I can’t react to every single Facebook post you subtly direct to me (YES I NOTICE THAT). Sorry I have too many feelings. Sorry for stalking you and then avoiding you because I can’t admit to myself that I actually want to be with you. If you find this and then feel awkward, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being too afraid to fall in love.

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