One of the best and worst things my mom has ever said to me were said this week

Posted on December 20, 2014

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“Hindi ko na alam kung paano kita pasasayahin.”

I don’t know how to make you happy anymore.

It was a dagger to my heart. Well, this whole day was a 10-foot spear through my heart. But that’s another story.

Is this getting a little too literary? I’m sorry. I guess that’s what around five hours of crying does to you.

I don’t know how to make you happy anymore.

It’s always been like that. Me, the quiet emo-looking kid failing to show the slightest bit of emotion resembling joy every time people try to make me laugh. Nobody really knew what went through my head. Even my own mother admits that she never really understood me fully, and that nobody probably will.

I know she tries. She really does. She puts up the image of happiness with me, she tries to make me come with her to stuff, and she doesn’t get furious when I become my monstrous suplada self and I say things I don’t mean. She’s the one who asks my dad to “understand” me when I get my rebellious-daughter act going.

She believes that I am a good daughter.

And I guess I am, because in the end I would do whatever it is they ask of me, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness. Not that I still know how to be happy.

I’ll admit it: I don’t know how to be happy anymore.

I can try, sure, but there will always be the nagging feeling at the back of my head saying things are not supposed to be right in my life. Nothing will ever feel right in my life, and I don’t know why. It’s a fucking inside joke I’m not part of, and here I am trying to laugh even if I don’t know the punchline.

I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to be happy so others would not feel sad around me. I. WANT. TO. BE. FUCKING. HAPPY.

Have you ever felt so pumped up for something, and could feel for a moment that everything will go well and then suddenly everything just goes to shit? It’s one of the most horrible feelings in the world. It will make you cry 5 hours of frustrated tears. The only thing that could ever make you truly, genuinely happy is being taken away from you, and all you can do is sit by the sidelines and watch.

Being with my friends and being far away from this place are the things I’ve been looking forward to all month. Isn’t it lovely, having something to look forward to? Having something to hope for? I am no stranger to disappointment so even the slightest bit of hope like this could send me some lightness. Imagine that taken away from you, sending you back to the pits of despair and loneliness. It was my chance of feeling better. And it’s gone.

I don’t know how to make it up to them anymore. I would give anything in the world to turn things around. I don’t even know if I’m making the right decisions anymore. I’m crying as I write this. I CAN’T TAKE IT, I CAN’T TAKE MY FEELINGS ANYMORE, I’M SO. FUCKING. SICK OF BEING SAD ALL THE TIME. I HATE IT. IT’S BOTHERING ME AND EVERYONE ELSE. I. DON’T KNOW. HOW. TO. BE. HAPPY. ANYMORE.

“You’re stronger than me, and stronger than I think you are.”

I don’t remember when my mom said that to me and why, but it’s one of the best things I’ve been told. The thing is, people have called me strong. And I guess I’ll believe them, at least I haven’t done that thing people do when they have lost all hope in the world.

Is it strength when you try your hardest to put up a smile even if it hurts like hell? To put up with every steaming pile of bullshit life throws at you? To accept your fate of a mundane life? To accept isolation?

I don’t know, but I’m trying to be strong. Here I am, still staggering, still wounded, but I have no choice but to carry on. It’s a bullshit life, sure, but deep inside me I still feel as though there are better things out there to outweigh all the bad. I can’t see it now, where nothing is making sense, but I still believe in it. I feel like an idiot for believing this, but I can’t just sit around wallowing in frustration when I can make things slightly better than they feel right now. I don’t know how to do that, but I’ll try. Surviving is the main goal in my life.

I know, some people have it worse than this kid who was not able to go to a fun weekend with friends. My problems may look stupid compared to people who have it worse, but I’m sorry I can’t help it. I can’t help but feel depressed when I miss out on the chance to meet up with people and actually forget my problems for a while. They’re one of the few people I can talk to about everything, and now I’m stuck here with all my problems again.

To everyone I love, I’m sorry for leading such a sorry life and being such a sad excuse of a person. I sorry I push you away. I’m sorry I can be difficult to love. Believe me, I find it hard too. For now, I can only assure you that things are still fine and I’m happy.

I’m so, so happy.

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