I want to disappear completely

Posted on February 9, 2015

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I have always loved mountains. When I was little, I used to imagine myself dissolving into a million pieces into the air every time I go to the mountains. I want to know what it’s like to stop existing – to leave everything behind and just be free. I wanted to fly down the mountains as a bodiless entity – something that is simply one with the atmosphere.

Those were the times when I wished I could just transform into something that could fly, or  better yet stop existing altogether. How wonderful would it be to just leave everything worldly behind and trouble myself with only the beauty of nature? How wonderful would it be to just stop bothering with societal pressures and go to places unseen by human eyes? I wouldn’t have to bother with getting the perfect exam score on a pointless subject. I wouldn’t have to try so hard to fit in with my peers who have no trouble with enjoying parties and having relationships. I wouldn’t have to fool myself into gaining a sense of fulfillment in a senseless job I’m only staying in to get money. I wouldn’t have to feel so guilty about nearly becoming a hermit.

I want to stop being human. I want to leave all my feelings behind. As much as humans can make the world a better place to live in, they can turn it into hell. Sometimes I don’t even believe there is a hell, because hell is already here.

Don’t take my fantastical escapism as a cowardly way of running away from my problems. Take this as a longing to be where I really belong. To be completely honest, I have no idea where I belong. I don’t know if there is a place in this world for me, aside from the ones I’ve read about in books. As a little girl, I have always fantasized about being somewhere else – somewhere not in this world. I somehow have this feeling that I’m not supposed to be here. I never felt at home. I’m always at the wrong place at the wrong time. I don’t know where I am going to be really happy. I knew I was different, and my kind of different doesn’t belong here. Sometimes I get the feeling that I’m not meant for this world, that maybe I fell out of a spaceship and ended up here.

If only jumping off a cliff meant dissolving into the air the way I’ve always wanted it to be as a child. If only I could be like the little mermaid who, tormented by love, dissolved into sea foam. If this was possible, maybe the people who jump off buildings and cliffs wouldn’t seem so cowardly and insane.

I want to jump off a mountain and stop existing. I want to die for a while. I want to escape. I remember asking as a child, if heaven exists then why are people afraid of dying? I heaven is paradise then why don’t people want to die? I would, little me thought, if it means getting to live in a big castle where maybe I would belong. I remember watching this film called Pan’s Labyrinth where apparently the girl is a long lost reincarnation of a princess who only returned home by dying on Earth. This could seem like some kind of a floozy new age thing but I want to believe that I am someone from a kingdom long lost, and my people are waiting for me to return home. But as much as I want to, I can’t. I still have duties to people here on Earth who are as much a part of me as the home I long for.

I can only hope for the day of my return. But for now, I have to wait. And as I wait, I’m going to find the beauty in the world that could somehow remind me of that home. I still believe that there is still much to hope for in reality, no matter how bleak and dreary everything seems. It’s like being a tourist in a stopover site, waiting for the flight home. Until my plane arrives, I shall remain a passerby. Until then, I wait.

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