What it’s like to be depressed (a starter guide)

Posted on November 17, 2015

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  1. Your heart literally feels like it’s breaking. Sometimes you just feel something grabbing it with sharp talons and you can’t breathe. I’ve experienced this a bunch of times.
  2. The tears just keep coming and before you realize it, the sun is up and it’s 5 AM.
  3. You forget to eat. Sometimes you go through a day without realizing that you haven’t eaten.
  4. You lose interest in your hobbies. As much as I love reading, I sometimes let books pile up for months because I just can’t concentrate anymore.
  5. Your brain just can’t stop thinking. It races and races and you let it go on like that all night. You start to wonder if you’re just too paranoid and anxious. Then you wonder if you need meds.
  6. This Pink Floyd Song.
  7. You play songs on repeat. Depressive songs.
  8. You lose interest in the practical matters of the world. You just can’t give a fuck about the latest presidential opinion polls, the state of the stock market, etc. The world is just one big Outside and you want to stay in bed.
  9. You feel super super super super suicidal.
  10. You resort to monosyllabic responses and small talk feels like a chore, even if you’re an introvert.
  11. You will feel self-absorbed for thinking about your problems too much. And then you hate yourself.
  12. A physical pain from somewhere manifests itself.
  13. You start to develop habits that destroy yourself.
  14. You resort to vices.
  15. You lose interest in going outside.
  16. You start thinking about the various methods of killing yourself.
  17. You just become a walking zombie; you don’t even care if a car hits you or someone stabs you or something.
  18. Sometimes it feels like you are seconds away from doing something to end your life.
  19. Smiling becomes an automatic defense mechanism.
  20. You joke a lot to cover up your fucked up mind.
  21. You don’t even care if people see your personal history with depression since you jokingly talk about it a lot.
  22. Work/school becomes a distraction. And then boom, that sneaky bastard depression just pops up somewhere and makes you feel sluggish all day.
  23. Sometimes it gets so bad you stay home and then you feel bad because you can’t exactly call in to work or school depressed.
  24. Self-loathing, self-loathing, self-loathing.
  25. You feel so much sadness one minute, and then nothing. You just feel hollow. You feel empty. Imagine thousands of dementors sucking your soul, leaving you an empty shell – a tired and vulnerable empty shell.
  26. You become a writer.
  27. Nothing feels real. Every cheerful thing feels fake and insulting.
  28. You feel isolated from everyone else because you keep pretending you’re okay. And then you live in fear that something will slip.
  29. You feel nothing and everything all at once.
  30. You start seeking professional help because you’ve given up trying to help yourself.
  31. Sometimes you just question God if this is a way of punishing you and you just want to get down on your knees and beg Him to stop because it really fucking hurts.
  32. “The silence depressed me. It wasn’t the silence of silence. It was my own silence.”Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar.
  33. “I’m sort of glad they’ve got the atomic bomb invented. If there’s ever another war, I’m going to sit right the hell on top of it, I swear to God I will.” – J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye.
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