Further Studies

Posted on January 25, 2016



Last week, I went back to university to arrange some things. I wanted to study again. I guess my first (real) taste of the world of employment left me disillusioned and desensitized enough to realize that there’s a tendency that all of the ideals we gain at school will get thrown out the window. I decided to reevaluate myself. I wanted to take the step towards figuring out what I’m supposed to do with my life. One reset button at a time.

Lately I have realized that I am a great pretender. I pretend to be good at something so I could secure a future. I pretend I am handling things well when I’m trying my hardest not to fall apart. I pretend I’m not interested in impractical stuff so I can get a more “practical” job. I pretend I’m not sad. I pretend I don’t have a mess of feelings inside me. I pretend that my relationship ties with certain people are not severed. I pretend I’m not lonely. I pretend I’m not damaged. I pretend that I don’t have a breaking heart.

But it’s time to stop pretending and start learning. At this age, everyone expects me to be a nice young adult who is taking her first steps toward being the success story that she is. I have realized that I am either rushing towards things, or lagging. I don’t know, I’m confused. But I’m trying to get it together. I’m learning to accept things as they are and focus on moving forward. Because as much as I hate admitting it, I never really learned anything after I graduated. I’m still the mess that is wingin’ it from time to time. But now, I am. I’m learning. And this time, I mean it.

The learning process is not the same for everyone. Some people don’t get that shining epiphany that leaves them happy and fulfilled. Some people learn by having their hearts broken and their patience tested. Some people learn by trying so hard for one thing and then realizing that it’s not for them. Some people learn by having feelings for someone and realizing that they maybe probably sort of won’t be reciprocated anymore. Some people learn through confusion. Some people learn through the lowest points of their lives. Some people learn better than others. Some people learn through disillusionment. Some people learn later. It doesn’t matter, because the important thing is that we learn.

Sometimes it feels like life’s only purpose is to break you down from time to time for no reason at all, besides the fact that you exist. No, it’s not like that. You are supposed to learn. Sometimes it would feel like the future is a complete blank. Sometimes you would feel so low that you’ve lost the ability to cry. Sometimes it would feel like happiness is a faraway dream. Sometimes these are the triggers that would make you get your shit together. Because sometimes humans just don’t know how to think.

I’m learning to find myself. I’m learning that nothing in this world is ever easy for anyone, that a lot of us are pretenders. I’m learning to find my voice in this vast ocean. I’m learning how to write better metaphors. I’m learning how to properly harness my feelings. I’m learning that friends are forever. I’m learning how parents show their love to their children, no matter how stubborn and headstrong they are. I’m learning that kindness is a good thing. I’m learning how to be braver every day. I’m learning how to love others, even if they will never love us.

Just kidding. Sort of.

A few weeks from now, I will take a law exam and prepare for a Master’s degree (I think). I will also turn 22. I don’t know if things will get better, I don’t know if I will get better. If smoking a bit less recently is an indicator of getting better, then maybe I’m not that hopeless after all. But I digress. By the time I turn 22, I hope that I’ve learned enough to realize that I have to keep learning. Maybe by that time, I will finally learn.