A Soliloquy From The Underworld

Posted on June 4, 2016

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The-Virgin-Suicides

There is another world // There is a better world // Well, there must be.

– The Smiths

Greek mythology gives us the story of Persephone, the queen of the underworld. Persephone, due to some deal gone awry, stays with Hades in the underworld until spring when she comes back to earth to rejoin her mother, the goddess Demeter. By winter, she goes back to the underworld where she awaits the arrival of spring which signals her return home.  Until then, the queen hides from the world.

Like Persephone, I too am hiding from the world. Except that I don’t know when spring will come.

I guess I just want the world to stop for a while. I want to stop feeling like I’m screwing everything up by the mere act of living in it. I just want the world to let me rest.

If I had the power to stop thinking, to stop feeling, then maybe I don’t need to go on this hermit phase. But I can’t, and it’s hard. The best I can do, I guess, is find a safe spot in the world – somewhere I can cry, sleep, and hurt all I want without any judgment. You can’t really do that when you’re at sitting in an office pretending to be happy when you’re just really fucking tired. So here I am – hiding and immersing myself in my feelings before I cover them up again with fake smiles and second-rate jokes.

I guess I just want to rid myself of the expectations of people for a while. I don’t want to deal with how I’m supposed to be seeing people, or advancing my career, or any overwhelming responsibility that requires the “I’m fine and I have it together!” rhetoric that I have mastered over the years. I don’t want to bother with shitty politics or irritating “friends” or boys I am trying so hard to lose feelings for or parents I want to get away from or the persistent feeling of never being good enough. I want to rest. I need some fucking rest.

I want to immerse myself in so much music, books, and movies that bring me the illusion of running away from this place that requires so much of me. I want to soak up so much wisdom from these visionaries who know more than anyone what I am going through, and how to get out of it. I want to go somewhere far and at least try to lose myself in new surroundings – maybe it can help me lose my feelings for a while before they come back again in chaos.

I know for sure that my “rest break” will not overwhelm me. All my life, I have taught myself not to rely too much on anyone to fix me or to make me happy. This won’t be any different. I know I will not succumb to despair and let my feelings take total control – I’ve had years of self-discipline to thank for that. I trust myself enough to fix me.

So if you are wondering why I am not being communicative enough, or if you’re wondering if I’m still alive, I am in the underworld right now. Hiding. Resting. Don’t worry, I’ll come back again in the spring of my life after a cold, dark winter. It is, after all, darkest before the dawn. And even with all the bad things in it, I still believe that the world is a beautiful place. I still believe that my spring will come.

So please, let me feel and let me heal. I am not done hiding from the world yet.

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