I don’t need one

Posted on July 18, 2017

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I see them everywhere, happy.

At restaurants, malls, or even at my nightly ride back home.

All my life, everything they do is so foreign and unfamiliar.

Like the customs of a culture from another planet.

Everywhere I go, they’re there –

Holding hands, teasing, looking at each other longingly.

Both enjoying the company of the other, both acting as though they’re the only two people in the world.

What does it feel like? Is it completely overwhelming? Or are they trivial gestures to brush off?

If that ever happens to me, will I be fine? Or will I completely crumble out of happiness?

In the midst of it all, I’m there.

Always the one going off, always the one observing, always the one confused with it all.

Always alone.

Most of the time I don’t care, I’ve always held myself up on my own two feet.

I never needed anyone.

At least, that’s what I tell myself.

I hate admitting that it gets lonely.

But I’ve accepted it, I’ve accepted that this is how things are.

I’m not used to intimacy.

I’m not used to being completely open to someone else.

I’m not used to being loved.

Once in a while, someone shakes things up – but it doesn’t make much of an impact.

These are mere tremors.

Sure I get sad, but it doesn’t break my heart.

Nobody breaks my heart.

At least, that’s what I tell myself.

For so many years, so many layers of defenses have been built.

I’ve gotten used to pushing people away, never letting anyone in.

But then…I finally do.

Reluctant at first, then slowly giving in.

Slowly, surely, and secretly.

It’s a risk, but I took it.

Every day, I keep waiting for something that tells me everything’s worth it.

And for something to tell me that I wasn’t.

The thing is, you can remind yourself all you want of the heartbreaking possibilities –

You can keep putting yourself down to remind yourself that you’re nothing in someone’s life,

But nothing ever prepares you for the painful blow.

It leaves you shaking and stupid, hating yourself for believing in something that never will be.

For believing in something that just maybe might be.

But it will never be.

I will never be.

I will never be enough.

That person who shook your very foundations will always look for something else.

There will always be something I lack.

There will always be something that others have and I don’t.

And I’ll cry and cry and cry until crying doesn’t feel real anymore.

And then I’ll blame myself for being this way.

Then I’ll blame my parents for raising a kid with low self-esteem.

I’ll blame them for giving their kid horrible genes that contribute to her psychological dysfunctions.

And then I stop.

I remind myself that I never needed anyone.

I remind myself that there are things better than finding someone to be intimate with.

There are greater things than finding people to warm beds every night.

I don’t need to switch from person to person just to alleviate the loneliness.

Because I am strong enough to face it.

I don’t need someone to hold hands with.

I don’t need someone to have dinner and watch the stars with.

I don’t need someone to give me roses and chocolates every February.

It may take a while for me to put out a wildfire in my heart,

But I don’t beg for love.

I love with the magnificence of a supernova,

But I’m not desperate to force someone to give something back in return.

I don’t need sympathy.

I don’t need forced love.

You’re either with me or you’re not, ride or die.

You don’t have to pity me if you don’t want me,

Because honey, mark my words:

Yes, I may want,

But I will never need anyone.

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